


what is my story?

by HardenedClay



Category: EXO (Band), K-pop
Genre: Angst, Denial, Heavy Angst, M/M, Memory Alteration, Mental Anguish, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Other, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-20
Updated: 2020-05-20
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:20:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,676
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24270490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HardenedClay/pseuds/HardenedClay
Summary: it was a year ago when byun baekhyun disappeared from the face of the earth.
Relationships: Byun Baekhyun & Park Chanyeol, Byun Baekhyun/Park Chanyeol
Kudos: 6





	what is my story?

**Author's Note:**

> i felt really bummed out today and vented out a bit of my feelings through this story, so i hope you guys enjoy it :-)
> 
> [edit 6.9.20: so i went and refurnished the story to a different ending and backstory ~~ i thought that the previous one was a tad bit sloppy so i wanted to fix it up a little. hope you enjoy reading the fic!]

The vague sound of people talking, the loud noise of the air conditioning. My eyes are unsteady, my hands fidgeting. I want to go back to my room. I have no reason to be here. Those were the thoughts that stuck on my mind during this whole situation. That was until I realized I was in a different room. I'm sitting down on a chair, and my eyes are now steady, looking at this person in a coat in-front of me. "Park Chanyeol-ssi? It's nice to meet you, I'm Dr. Kim. I'll be your therapist tending to you for today." His voice resonated in my ears, making me feel irritated. Why was I here? I'm tired, I want to go back to sleep. I'm looking down at the ground, I didn't want to be here right now.

"I know you're very exhausted, but this appointment will be very short, I promise you. They'll let you go back to sleep as long as you want." I look back up at him, and I see that he's smiling. His smile isn't because he likes me, but because this is merely his job. Regardless, I feel more at ease. "Okay." Was the only word that came out of my mouth. That was the only word I expected to come out of me today. But I had a hunch I would be explaining more than that. "Alright. . . Now that you're more acquainted with me, I want you to tell me how you've been feeling, and what started all of this." His facial expressions were soft, too soft. He was trying too hard to be gentle, I couldn't understand why he was being so nice. But then again, he told me he was a therapist, isn't this what they do for a living?

"What do you mean." I had no idea why I asked that or why those were the words that came out. It had been way too long since I had a genuine conversation with someone. I can feel the fatigue eating at me, I can feel the dullness sticking onto my flesh, devouring my very being at this very moment. "I guess, in more basic words. . Your story." This very conversation slightly distracts me from the emptiness surrounding my senses, and my ears are enlightened at the phrase, 'your story'. Suddenly, for some reason, I felt a little alive. I felt alive for once, and I felt my lips curving into a smile. "What is my story?" I happened to ask. The smile I had vanished again. "My story. It's not a fantasy, it's not a fairy tale. It's not exactly a happy ending either, it feels unfinished, and will remain unfinished." I found myself staring at the coffee table in-front of the both of us.

"It was two years ago when Byun Baekhyun made his first appearance in my life.

My life up until that point had been null, colored in bleach and ink. I had felt artificial my entire life. I wanted to be nice to everyone I knew, and I did just that. That came with the price of having to sacrifice my own happiness. I felt empty, and I wanted to trample on everyone that came my way. I wanted revenge on this cruel earth, I wanted to scream and commit crimes that no one had imagined me doing. I was a sociopath, I led myself a fake identity and I could feel myself crumble each day I woke up on. I didn't like people, but tended to them. I was nice, but I hated everything. I was happy, but I was full of resentment.

But then Baekhyun entered my life. When our eyes first met, a shiver went through my whole body. For some reason, I felt attached. I wanted to stick around. His voice, his funny jokes, and his mere energy. When extroverts approached me, I usually felt more and more exhausted staying around them. But with Baekhyun, I felt more alive and full of joy if he dare show his mere existence in-front of me. His sweet tone whenever he asked me if I didn't mind that he sat in-front of me. Honestly, I never minded. I felt like a normal, functional human-being for a while, and I finally found a reason to keep living. 

I felt like someone who was happy for once. He made me feel like a happy person. My mother once told me that someday, a person will arrive in your life and they will light you up in many ways that you didn't know were existing. I thought, maybe Baekhyun was the one. I had a reason to believe my mother for once. From then on, I worked my best and my hardest. I did everything in my capacity, I wanted to be someone who Baekhyun viewed as an admirable or a strong person. My efforts didn't fail me when the day came when the words, "I like you", came out of his pink lips. I was flustered, but I was more happier than before. He embraced me, and I felt at peace. His arms were wrapped around me, and yet that simple action made me feel warmth for the first time in my life. 

I couldn't help but start crying. I cried, the tears that threatened to fall down finally fell, and he looked at me, cupping my face, he was concerned.   
"Chanyeol, why are you crying? Are you okay?" Was the question he asked me that time. "I'm okay, because for the first time in my life, I feel warm and at peace. Before, I was dull, and I was trying too hard to look happy. But then you entered my life, and everything instantly changed the moment I saw you." Were the words I used to answer him. That day marked the day I finally found the missing piece in my life, and I thought that everything would be different from now on, but those were my mere thoughts and ideas.  
Everything would be a heaven for a while, but the only thing I never learned from this unhappy life was, when I gained happiness, it would always be taken away no matter what.

I was an insecure, dull person. I forgot that during the midst of all this, my true personality was different from the one I've been faking and showing. "I love the way you smile, Chanyeol." Those words haunted me, because I knew well that when I smiled, that wasn't me that I was showing. I felt despaired. "You don't have to worry, you're a really kind person." He tried to reassure me one day but I knew well that the kindness I show was artificial, a fraud.  
"Chanyeol, why are you so nervous? You're a great person!" 

I don't know what came over me. I snapped, I screamed and hurt Baekhyun that time. He was crying, he begged me not to hurt him anymore. I realized what I had done. I harmed the only person that made me feel alive, I hurt the only person that made me more happier than anyone else did. I came to remember that I was still a sociopath. I fled. I ran away from that place. I never wanted to come back, if it meant that I wouldn't hurt the person I loved the most. For a few months, I was in deep emotional pain. But I was different, I knew I was still a phony. So the hurt eventually vanished like the dust in the air. I was back to square one, back to my usual ways. I thought that this was my destiny, my true fate. I will be forever empty, forever fake. I will serve life this way until I die.

It was a year ago when Byun Baekhyun disappeared from the face of the earth.

I hated everyone, I wanted to take revenge on anything that came in contact with me. I was selfish, I was horrible.  
But another day came. That day, for some reason, felt the most special to me. I was on the verge of crumbling, my mask was finally breaking apart. But he dared show his face once again. I can remember how Baekhyun ran towards me, it was a cold, depressing night. I had gotten in a fight with my manager, and kicked me out of my work place. I was aching, I was desperate to pass out. I thought if I lied down on the street and passed out there, I hoped I would've died. I figured this life had no more sense to it, because I had killed it off long ago, but the dysfunctional streetlamps illuminated Baekhyun's soft, gentle face.

Ironically, I froze in place, and Baekhyun ran into my arms. For some reason, I opened my arms to him. Even though I was the one who left him, I felt myself hugging him tightly that I thought I was suffocating him at some point. His touch felt ever-so-cold, so freezing but I still clung onto him for dear life. I sobbed, I cried. The wails that echoed the empty streets, I was terrified and scared. "Chanyeol, I forgive you. I know you never meant to hit me, or raise your voice. I know you're truly a good person inside." My legs were weak, and so I collapsed onto my knees, but I was still clinging onto him. My hands trail down to his own, his cold, pale hands. "I didn't mean to hurt you, I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry," I was exhausted, tired, but I managed to speak up. I couldn't express the pain that burst out in every nerve existing in my body in that very moment.

I don't remember anything else that had happened that night, because when I awoke, I was on a bed. I was back home, back on this empty, messy bed. Where is Baekhyun? The question lingered on my mind. That question always lingered my mind. Then I was back to square one, once again. My life was more dull than it was before, I had initially given up on trying to live successfully, when my will to live was already reaching its expiry date. Every dream I dreamed had Baekhyun in it. My dreams would simulate a life where I was happy, and together with Baekhyun. I begged not to wake up, but I always would.

I could feel the foundation of my life crumbling apart every morning I woke up on. I knew one day, I wouldn't wake up another morning anymore.  
It wasn't a feeling of wanting to die. For a while, I thought it was because I wanted to die. But it wasn't that, I didn't want to die. I wanted to disappear into thin air for more than just a few minutes. That was a more accurate description of how I've been feeling, each second that passed, on a day I was still living on. My surroundings were becoming more and more null, and at some point I could not recognize the faces that I was familiar with anymore.

Eventually, I had enough of it. I had walked off of the fourth floor of the apartment complex I lived in.  
For a few seconds, everything was black, and peaceful. Then everything around me flashed and I was in a different place. My eyelids flicked open, and I was tired. I turned my head to the side and there Baekhyun was, lying down beside me. My hand found itself caressing his cheek, and I couldn't help but admire his face while he slept. I didn't bother to question where I was, and what was happening. The only thing I felt was love, and pain. I knew this vision wasn't real, yet it felt real. When he opened his eyes, and smiled at me, I resisted the sob that wanted to rip out of my throat. I smiled back, and hugged him. It was a tight embrace, but soon enough I could feel myself getting latched away from his touch."

"That was when I woke up. This time, it was reality. I had woken up on a white bed, and there were people beside me. I don't remember anyone, and I don't bother to remember any of them." I stated, I felt distraught. I looked up at the therapist once again, and he was just writing down on his little notebook. I closed my eyes, trying to diminish the mixture of emotions. Once I felt more calm, I opened my eyes once again to stare at him.

The therapist raised his head up from his notebook, and he firmly kept his eyes at me like I was. "Chanyeol-ssi, I'm asking on why you committed Homicide against Byun Baekhyun. I did not expect to hear a love or life story." The blood inside of my body froze, and I slammed the table. I leaned forward, "Homicide? _HOMICIDE?!_ I DIDN'T KILL BAEKHYUN. He was the love of my life. _HE_ _WAS MINE, AND I WAS HIS_. I swear, I SWEAR." I strained my voice, and when I did so, I felt like a lunatic. But I didn't care, this man is telling me something else from what I remember, and I hated it. I hated him.

He sighed heavily. For a few minutes, there was a silence. The silence sunk into me, and I'm suddenly filled with anxiety. What if what he said was true? I didn't kill Baekhyun. I loved him, he made me feel like a human being. Why would I kill him? Right. I didn't kill him. I never did.  
"Anyways, our session is over. You can go back to your room now, and get all the sleep you want." I glare at him. I want to go back, and I want to go back to sleep. I don't want to remember any of this ever again, all he did were slander me, make me feel horrible. I'm scared of waking up again. I hear the door opening, and I look up to see one of the nurses. I nod, standing up and following her out.

The moment I stepped out, my reality is back as it is, empty and boring, and stuck in a mental health ward. But that's quite alright, I had nothing else to do if I was still a free man at this point. I had forgotten how to live life, and here I am residing in a room, watching the television while people telling me that they are my mother, my father, my friend, or whatever, visit me and try to converse with me. Each day that passes, I feel myself rotting away from the guilt.

Guilt? _Right._

Something clicked and I remember everything clearly. Images of the scene flashed on my mind each day that passed, I cannot get it out of my head. The blood on my hands get more and more visible and I can see myself staring down at a dead, not breathing corpse of the man I loved the most, Byun Baekhyun. Dreams of the same man and me being in a happy world haunt me each time I dare to fall into a slumber and I cannot express how much I want to disappear whenever I wake up.

I had lied to myself so much and so effectively that my mentality had accepted it and my consciousness completely erased my traumatic memories that resided in my brain.  
I feel betrayed by my own self, and some days I found myself questioning who I was and why I did such a thing like that. I wanted to scream and cry until hell broke loose, I wanted to die in a corner and rot away. 

But then, I was reminded that this is me, and my name is Park Chanyeol. I didn't like people, but tended to them. I was nice, but I hated everything. I was happy, but I was full of resentment. And so, this is my story.

**- &-**


End file.
